As it seems all my blog posts seem to start by saying; I have not written in a while and for that I’m sorry. The winter storms and cold have passed, as we sit here in the 30C weather soaking up the heat and the sun. As the time nears closer to September, eyes have been kept out for places to live 3 hours away (as significant other has gotten into her Masters program). Trips have been traveled via Grey Hound. The trip has all become normal in life. The early morning wake ups, the riding the rails towards the station in the wee hours of the morning, and the lining up to board… has all but become trivial now. In the past 4 weeks, I have traveled north, and then back south 4 times all in the search for a place to live. The last visit produced some luck as we are in the process of a lease takeover which will at the bare minimum get us up there. The Hound has been good to me, it comes equipped with wifi, plug-ins, and leg room for my roast beef like legs.

The traveling hound will strike again in the coming days, as the hound is switched for a plane, and the house hunt is switched to a Cruise. My first Disney Cruise (Second Cruise in a lifetime). I am what you call melodramatic; in private I am super excited about Disney, but in public I save face. Case in point, while getting my hair cut the other day, the hair dresser found out we were going to Disney, and then became all fan-girl (with scissors in hand) as I was Meh. I am not-so-secretly counting down the days until we leave. I will be packing everything I own it seems in the off chance I need extra clothing and nic-nacs for the trip. I’m excited, that I even joined “Dis-Boards.” When I come back, be on the look out for sunburned me in a Disney eared hat.

Trying to coordinate these two major milestones at the same time has been strenuous on me. One where I am super joyful to be going, while the other is stressful and tedious which has left me with a whirl wind of emotions. Happy and anxious at the same time. Add, trying to find a new job in the new place and Student loan repayment coming due. It seems to all happen at once. Sometimes it’s overwhelming where I get defeated and end up tearing. But Looking on the bright side – Cruise!

With the latest update to Windows 8, my computer decided to go all “blinky” screen of annoyance on me yesterday. Where I couldnt open any windows or programs. I got it to boot up in safe mode (with the help of a computer tech friend (Shift + Restart)) and got back down to base product. To date, 109 updates to go and W8.1 to be installed. All while Disney-ing and Packing to move, and Documenting the whole process. So my advice to you, Do not get Norton 360 as this was the cause for the crash…. Grumble Grumble Grumble / Disney Disney Disney.


C is for Coaster.

As you can tell from the last few posts, I have started using my site as an outlet to what is bothering me. I have let you in to my mind, my life, and how it all effects me. Allowing you in allows me solace as I can see I am not the only one going through life hardships. As you have certainly read in past posts that I have graduated (next week is convocation: so Excited). Family is coming up from the states and from across Canada to see me walk. I am excited by that. I am also quite nervous because all the attention is spotlighted on me. I cant wait to have parchment in my hands! But I have to put that aside, in the past few days I have recieved news that hurt… I recieved the news that dad could have cancer. that C word scares me! I have lost grandparents from that C word. I dont want to lose my father to it! I know it may not be something big right now and the surgery coming up can take it away, but now the fear is engrained in me. As I was looking at Facebook I noticed a status from a family member that caught my eye. It stated that amongst the family ” Cancer, Pre Cancer, and Heart Attack” took up house in three family members. I dont know much more at the moment, part of me really doesnt want to know more…

This 2014 so far has been an emotional roller-coaster for me. So much that lately Ive shed more tears than I would like to admit. I am looking forward to convocation but I know in the back of my mind as I walk the stage that the health of family members is more important. My mind would like a day pass to Walt Disney World. Live in a fantasy land as it tries to cope with all the information and emotions its obtained while in 2014.

Question en mass: How do others deal with life’s roller coasters?

I know when this year is over, I will look back feeling triumphant that I made it through, Just got to get through the thick and thin of the year. I would like to thank those around me for being my support system. I would be a total mess with out you. Image

Selfie to Selfless

ImageAfter going through old photos of family and friends, I have come to the realization that I am a sad person. I do not think sad is the right word, but I will go with it anyway. I know that family photos and ‘selfies’ are often doctored in someway – such as the right pose, or smile, or filter used. Looking through my photos especially, it seems that they all pertain a ‘fake-ish’ looking smile (like it’s taking to long, or that I am being forced). There is the rare time where I have a genuine smile because the picture was taken with out my notice. Those photos I like. With that being said though, It seems as stated before the forced smile dominates the photo gallery of my life. It often seems like I am emotional-less, and not enjoying the time in which the photo was taken. This can be seen in photos throughout my life gallery (Ie FB, Twitter, Here on WordPress). The sans smile that I often partake in is more of an inward smile. In my mind I am smiling, but to be able to convey the happiness and joy my appearance is often lacking. For the most part, I am off in my own little world leaving the body slumped over with glazed eyes. My mind will often think, what about this, what happens if I do this, will someone notice if I do this, etc. the million mile mind minute (Say that three times fast).

Got a bit off track there. While still looking at others photos it seems that they were often having a good time before they met me. It seems to me that the photos I am present in, the life of others has gone out the window. It seems like I whisked away their souls (kinda like a HP Deatheater… *theme song music*). So that got me thinking… Am I the cause for all of it? Do I really make others come down to my level? I often see myself as very controlling (of the things around me – everything is a calculated risk) I often will be 5 steps ahead in any plan while having the ADD mindset, I will often talk myself out of plans because my mind sees the end result before even starting, I have to be aware of what I am doing now and how others see me. Often it gets me down, and often It doesn’t put me in the moment to enjoy it. I believe not being in the moment is a big part of who I am. I want it to stop! I want to be in the moment; I want to enjoy it. It is like giving up sweet sweet sugar… It is hard to not live in the moment when so many perceived things need my attention. Living in the moment will get the genuine smile back, and I would be able to enjoy those around me more.

I need help in becoming a better person, in becoming a person that others enjoy having around, a selfless person. Or am I already that person, but I just don’t see it?


Trailblaze Traditions.


Others talk of their traditions, I sit back and think I’ve lost mine. I’ve grown up between the cracks of tradition and setting my own path. My youth was immersed in tradition of the average N. American family. New years was trying to stay up to midnight, St. Patties Day was wearing green, Easter was finding the basket of candy before any one got up and “finding” it later once the family got up, Fourth of July was watching fireworks, Thanksgiving was feast of great food, and Christmas was lights hung from the eaves-troughs and the Christmas tree decorated with yearly ornaments along with nightly home cooked meals. Those are the traditions I held.

When I grew older, my traditions became multicultural. I added Hanukkah, and Candles that burn 24 hours for those who have passed. I was all for extra holidays to celebrate and more presents (materialistic I know). Though, I never felt that I fit fully into those two faiths and traditions. I don’t know much of either faith to say ‘yes’ I am part of that faith. I felt lost, and essentially vulnerable.

Lost is how I still feel about faith and traditions. I’ve seem to have lost the traditions I’ve grown. I no longer get the home cooking I grew up with because I live two time zones over and cannot easily visit, I no longer celebrate Hanukkah and the 24 hour Candle other than to wish others of the holiday, Thanksgiving is just another day with regular food. Though there is hope, as the significant other has holiday traditions that I look forward too celebrating such as caroling, bacon and crepes, new years fondue, various holiday meals,and the inukshuk (phonic spelling) photo.

My traditions have changed as I have grown older, and grown closer to the significant others family. I often feel disjointed having lost the ones I’ve grown up with and the feeling of nostalgia from thinking of them. What will I pass down when my family grows?

Setting my own path seems to be the nature of the family I have. We seem to be trail blazers, as my parents helped change human rights in Canada, I have become educated further than anyone expected, I’ve helped other in the human services, and of course blogging the trails and tribulations of my mind set. Possible traditions to pass down is to help others & to connect with others, to become educated, and to be a trailblazer in their own way. Give them the mind set that they have a great family and that the path isn’t always straight and narrow. Hopefully as they walk down that path they help others along the way. This will all happen one day; currently I’m trailblazing the traditions and paths for the future. Learning about myself as I help others on their journey.